Sunday December 6, 2009; we said goodbye to a wonderful lady today. It is the start of a new life; for mom and all of us. My life as I know it will not be the same from this day forward. I might not notice her gone every minute, but there will be times when I can't believe she gone. I want to be sad, but I smile every time I think of Mom. I can just close my eyes and see her face, hear her voice, feel her soft hands as I rubbed them so often of late. She had tiny hands, petite, soft and as fragile as they seemed, she held my hand with a strength that made me feel safe. My smile changes to tears as I type and realize I won't hold those hands again. I won't hear her voice outside my head, but I will hear her. "Stacey, you're a good girl. Take care of daddy and Bill."
It was very comforting to see all the friends and relatives at the service. Ken and Ping who have always been there for Bill, and Ken's mom who is one of the elders who I've known for a long time. John and Ray; friends who we should really see more often, but funerals seem to be our meeting place. Jeanette, Zena, Linda,...family by chance, friends by choice. It was a calming relief to have Robin and Janice there and know that everything for after the service was being taken care of. And Miss Alisa, who gave her important family time to be there. (She was brave to come without Miss Caylee.) Harris and Lynn and the girls. We've been through alot together. Ok, I'm going to stop there with the names, because I could on and on and on. That's what great memories do.
I remember a conversation I had with Mom back in July. It was when one of her doctors looked at me and said, "She's dying! And now I'm going to her tell her that in Chinese." I watched her face, her expression didn't change, but the tears slowly fell down her cheeks. The doctor left the room for a moment, and mom said "I'm not scared of dying. I just want to see Ben's wedding, then I'll go; I'll close my eyes." We cried together. And after awhile, in my usual comedic fashion, I told Mom I would be going to see a pyshic, and I'd be wanting to talk to her!" In a wide eyed expression she replied "You believe in that?" "I'll be calling on you, keeping you up to date on stuff."
I hope someone was there to greet her sole. Maybe Grandma Wong, maybe my Dad. Maybe the two little souls I lost before Ashley and Patrick.
I gave the euology today. I thought it would be easier. I did fine, until I came to the part about Mom and Dad; about their love for each other; how Mom was always taking care of Dad, but he came through when it was needed the most. He spent every night with her at the hospice since August. Every meal with her, to make sure she got enough food. I had come across some words that I read at the end. I am going to do my best to live by them for mom.
She is Gone
You can shed tears that she is gone or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
BODY: I let the tears flow today. No holding back.
MIND: I let the tears flow today. No holding back!!!!!
This must be where the mind and body come together!!!
Good night Mom!
Stacey
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